There is a certain mental clarity I feel when I put all my business on the internet, all the ups and downs and all arounds. In this place I can be me, the crazy, witty, funny and depressed person that wretches my soul. I have to smile knowing that some thoughts are better left unwritten. There is a freedom in admitting the majority of your craziness for everyone who cares to read. It is like a weight being lifted from your shoulders, you don’t feel the need to smile while tears swell behind your eyelids. There’s a freedom to just bee yourself, all the good, bad and ugly. It’s freeing. It’s also rewarding in a way I never thought was possible. When you express yourself honestly, others trust you. They are willing to be themselves too. They can cry in front of you, knowing you won’t judge them because you to cry. I don’t simply cry, I scream, sing out of key with my headphones on and ball like a baby. I cuss like a sailor and cry myself to sleep some nights. When I’m an emotional disaster I now warn people. “I’m loosing my mind! I can’t even cope.” I don’t cope, I break down in a heap of soggy human flesh. I give myself this freedom, it’s better than allowing things to build up and explode. I still explode into a raving angry and pissed off lunatic, however, it is less frequent than before. Never doubt that I’m still capable of some intense 40 yr old tantrums. I am blessed with a wife, Sarina, that deserves a medal, sainthood, and more jewels than I will ever be able to afford. She ignores my tantrums and manages to still love me in the morning. (As any self respecting woman, she doesn’t always like me, there are still consequences for my actions.)
Yesterday I was honored by someone telling they actually look forward to my blog, and wonder what I have been up to. So, I decided to not disappoint. Thank you for the strength to continue. I hope this blog touches someone.
Today I have been doing what I have always done, collecting life stories and helping the people that I come in contact with. It’s funny that over a month ago this act drained me until I had nothing left, today it gave me purpose and clarity. I begin every day meditating in the shower, asking for “one person that I can positively affect their life”. This person arrived the moment I was finished setting up for the day. Once again, I am not going to tell their story, however, I was blessed by their honesty and freedom to express themselves to me. This is the reason that I do what I do. I share my life hoping it will give others the freedom to be themselves. Cry! Scream! Don’t be happy when you’re not! Dump, then move on. Let that $h!t go. Go home and plunge your hands in some good old fashioned dirt! Stop being strong when you simply have nothing more to give! Other people will suck you dry! Be vulnerable! Get made fun of! Stand up for yourself! I have been made fun of my entire life for my religious beliefs! I don’t stop believing. I still love my dirt, my rocks, my herbs, and daily I get called hurtful names. I’m still trying to be true to who I am.
I am who I am, I’ve been on this journey for almost 42 years. I’m not there yet, I’m still working on it. I am a mess. I’m broken, flawed and scarred. I’m still here kicking and screaming, trying to live a calmer more productive life.
Someone asked me why I’m no longer a full-time employee, I simply asked her, “which version would you like to hear?” She stated, “Whichever you’d like to tell me.” I smiled and said, “Both, they are both true.” I believe there is a cleansing when you have nothing to hide. My story is here, all the ups and downs. I won’t hide behind a veil of political correctness, my family helps me through every day. I in turn help people who need a safe place.
My brother, ended my day calling me for help, he’s lost a lot of weight and is now back to work after a 9 month vacation. His, “work” body is not accustomed to his “new” body. I went back to work to help him. I’m not sure I helped him as much as he’d hoped immediately. After some body work I gave him a lot of things he needed to do to help himself. I’ll follow up, he needs to relearn everything. I’m proud of him, he puts his children above himself and his new life above anything else. He doesn’t beat himself up like I have, we’re both learning. Tomorrow we’ll both get up in the morning to start again!
My client’s, my co-workers, my friends. My people who have managed to stick with me through all my up’s and down’s..
In the end people trust me. I don’t judge people by their religion, I judge them by their actions.
I know I am no better than them. In truth I’m worse and have done worse.
My family helps me get through….
It takes a village! To calm my “crazy”
Thank you Sarina Sadler for loving me when I don’t feel I deserve it. and probably don’t…
You always make me feel like I do! You’re the best…