Making Crazy, Facing Nightmares.

I’m never sure if a post will make it through the editing or simply be deleted later. I ponder this as I type on my electronic best friend, my computerized soul mate. I have to smile, wondering if I care or if at this particular moment I don’t. It’s decided I do care. I carry my heart on my sleeve and my emotions follow. I knew last week that I was struggling with anxiety, I knew something was amiss in the scheduling of my massage appointments. I felt screwed before I even walked through the door at work. (I remember in my meditation and  days leading up to the day. I kept telling myself, “Thoughts become things. Choose them wisely.” I didn’t and slowly things crumble.) I believe that at this moment my biggest issue is that I was lied to, I am disappointed in my personal life and all of the issues cascade into a “Chicken Little” moment. I feel my wife smiling at me, she made me promise that I wouldn’t get mean, I’ll take this moment in stride. I’d rather kick and scream, pounding my fists into the tile until they bleed, scream until my voice can’t utter another word. I would rather bash my head into the wall blaming myself for all the stupid, careless and just plain stupid things I’ve ever done. I can’t do this, I understand that now, it doesn’t stop the urge of self inflicting pain, of begging someone to scratch ink in my skin, to fight me, to scream at howl at the moon and scream at the trees. I can do all of these things, I really can, my head won’t hurt until tomorrow if I smash it against the wall. I’ll be less attractive with a bruise where my third eye is, however, I will live. Besides, what is blood and bruises when your heart is broken?

It’s something, a heart broken is not as easily mended as physical pain. A scratch heals, bruises mend and all returns to “normal”. A broken heart has no forgiveness, it never mends without massive consequences. Today, I find my heart broken. Our heart aches for our children, we want better lives for them than the ones we’ve led. Yet, we have to admit to ourselves and others that this delusion is not always the case. There are no fairy tales, no happy endings to this thing that we call life. We all live, then eventually we die, what happens between are a direct result of the choices that we’ve made during our life!

I was lost in thought as our backyard was flooded by our neighbor who was busy draining their pool. (Sarina noticed the atrocity as Bjorn lept to the safety of the couch covered in mud) Our backyard looks like a swamp, Bjorn hates me for spraying him down in his kennel outside as he ripped off his collar and hid in his “safe” place. There is no safe place when your life is broken, our hearts hurt and the world wants to crash at your feet. I wanted to smile, this is my “normal” life. I exploded as reality flooded my evening as effectively as water flooded my backyard. To say that I lost “it” would be an extreme understatement. Whatever grip I had on reality quickly slipped through my fingers. I exploded as my reality crumbled in a muddy mess of paw prints. Terrible things boiled out of my mouth. My mind exploded, I was overwhelmed, I spiraled out of control. Ugly pursued.

This was not something I wanted to happen, I thought I had communicated my needs, but, I had spoken only silence. I was lost in my own world and couldn’t cope with reality coming to breakthrough my walls and forcing me to face things that I was unprepared to deal with. It happens sometimes, rage ensued and a temper tantrum of epic proportion. I’m embarrassed to say that I was satisfied and even elated to “burn it all down”. I was ready and convicted to self destruct. Self destruction would be an understatement. It was an inferno of anger and self loathing. I wish there was something positive that managed to erect itself from the evening, however, that would be a disastrous lie. I allowed my destruction to affect everyone in the house and the consequences were astounding.

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

Upon returning home, Sarina and I talked about needing a break. I of course spiraled again and was convinced that she was kicking me out. I reverted to ways I have been treated in the past and was convinced that her “truthful speaking” was only words that I wanted to hear. Let’s just be honest, I’m not normal, my brain doesn’t work like other people’s and while I try to get better, I will never not have some of these issues. I couldn’t promise to never have these things happen again. It would be untrue and I didn’t want to lie to her. I tried to explain to her that she deserved someone better, she would be happier with someone more “normal”. I was convinced this was the best option for her. She however did not agree, she told me how most days we managed to conquer my demons. More often than not we were happy. It was only on “some days” that she was unable to help and on those days she didn’t know what to do or how to help me. I tried to explain that some days there was no help, there was no way out of my depression, I just needed to “go through it and arrive on the other side myself”. That’s extremely hard to hear when you want to help the person you love. I realize that now. When we were talking I could only see my fear and my mind was made up that I was rejected. She never rejected me though, even when I sat there attempting to reject her. Sarina stuck to her guns, she kept bringing me back from the edge when I wandered closer. In the end we both decided that we needed some time to think.I spent three days at my parent’s home, and they managed to listen to me for hours as we talked on the patio. It was a refreshing change. It was so therapeutic for my soul. My mom and I relived many painful memories, we were able to apologize and forgive. It was amazing. We talked religion and politics, something we never agree on. We laughed and shared many different “scenarios”. In the end my mom just looked at me and said, “Sarina is different. She’s not your ex, she doesn’t treat you the same way. You just expect her to, but, she never does.”  For 3 days I only used my tablet to blog and process, the words were sadly lost. It was then that I realized how much I missed regular conversation, I missed my wife, she was my best friend. I realized that we all came home and turned on the tv and planned our entire days on what we could watch on TV. We had walked away from everything that we desired to be. I had compromised so much.

The ending of the conversation was both uplifting and satisfying. We both agreed that we needed to focus on family and not have our lives revolve around TV, we needed to do something different. It’s never easy to have a blended family. Life is never easy. We live and learn.

We learned to move past the danger of past expectations.

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