Change is painful

Sometimes it is crystal clear what you are supposed to do. The habits that we have followed for so many years, I hit the snooze button at least once every morning, I close my eyes and pretend that I am sitting beneath a tree, I feel the leaves gently fall on me and the beautiful rain cleanses me. I see hooks within my skin, dragging me back to the person I once was. I cut these cords so that this morning I may start anew. I forgive myself for past mistakes, I journey far and wide in the 9 minutes that lapses in the waking world. I then brew coffee. I sit and smoke as I gauge what the day will hold. I prefer this time in silence, I rarely am allowed this silence, I try not to let it get to me. I have invoked a saying that no one listens to. “No talkie before coffee!” I look at my plants and the destruction my dogs may have created. What “treasures from the house are now littered in the dirt”?  I wish I could have a coffee IV. It’s not the case. I then stumble into the shower and there my new world awaits me. By now I have my coffee, I take it with me into my perceived reality, I plop myself down in the shower and pretend I am once again sitting in the rain, the rain washes away all the stuff that has stuck on me from the day before, I ask the “all knowing being” (God, the Universe, a Goddess) for someone who I can help that day, just one meaningful massage or conversation, one thing that makes this day substantial. One thing that isn’t about me. One gift that I can give, one person I can help. Just one, that’s not to much to ask, that’s not a lot to feel that this career, this life is worth it. It’s not too much to make me get out of bed, it’s simple and reasonable. I only need one hour where I feel like I did something good, made some sort of difference. I was unable to walk past the mirror without looking at it. Was able to get past the things that I feel make me crazy and help someone else. The fact hat I have helped a fellow “passenger” on this journey, makes me feel all the struggles that I have lived are worth living. This life. I look for the one person who makes me feel that this “crazy train” is worth riding.

I wouldn’t be here without so many of my friends. So many of you. People who have managed to help me while I’ve helped them. It is a continuous cycle.

Today, the most important person in my life was born. Now at this moment it all makes a little more sense. While she died 25 years ago. The imprint on my soul will last a lifetime. A lightbulb just went off. I feel so stupid. My grandma, the one who believed in me no matter how crazy I felt. The one who encouraged me to be the person I was and be who I wanted to be. The “crazy bitch” who smelt like Halls Cough drops and never wanted anyone to know how sick she was while she was dying. Memories of the player piano that I played as a kid and the reason I love the song “singing in the rain”. Why I love rain. (Combined with my mother’s love for gardening). The reason I love 2 pieces of jewelry as much as I love my wedding ring. Some days I don’t know which piece I would rather loose. I can’t pick the option “I’d rather die”?

I am a sentimental nightmare.That’s who I am, I wouldn’t change it for a freaking minute.  A while ago I purchased a Norwegian styled ring that was called, “honor your roots”. I asked my wife if I could have it. She laughed and said “of course” it arrived today. The day I hurt myself so bad after giving a massage that I want to cry. In over 13 years I had never been told that I wasn’t deep enough. I let my pride seal my doom. On my grandma’s birthday. My hands are swollen, my body hurts from fingers to neck. Can a grown man cry? The answer is yes, I can cry and I am proud of that simple and yet complex statement. I’m not a “pussy” every doctor I’ve ever met is always surprised at my pain threshold and the speed at which I metabolise medicine. I still need to refresh my memories, can I hit “Refresh” on my brain like I do on the computer?

This day in history…

It was also on this day that I saw my daughter for the first time in years. She needed me and I went.


I need to resolve that I can’t finish this blog today.

So it’s now three days later…

  • I’ve managed to spend the day with Nature and got lost in a dark cave.
  • Nearly lost one of my children

The swelling in my hands only subsided within the caves in Flagstaff, Arizona. In the freezing weather my hands felt great, while my thumbs on both hands perpetually remained warm and hot. As we drove up the mountain, my shoulders and elbows began to hurt. My hands and arms continually went to sleep and the sensation of pins and needles were my constant reminder that something was definitely wrong.

On Sunday night I swore to everyone I loved that I would call a nurse and then if urged go to a doctor if things weren’t better. my hands were still swollen and “asleep” when I woke up in the morning.

Much to my dismay I was so swollen I was only able to fit my wedding ring on. I was grateful Sarina told me to take off all my rings. My right hand was so swollen that I couldn’t get my grandpa’s wedding ring on or the new “honor your roots” ring onto my swollen fingers.20160412_195421 (2)

On Monday Sarina took me to Urgent Care. The “pop” I heard while giving a massage was not getting any better.

The verbal diagnosis was worse than the one the Doctor would document. Either way neither of the prognosis wasn’t good.Tendonitis in the right thumb/wrist. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in bilateral wrists. Arthritis in bilateral shoulders…

No wonder my hands were swollen. No wonder my instincts were to “run away” from the lady when I met her. When I shook her hand I knew I was in trouble. I wanted to battle through my anxiety. My heart rate increased by 20 bpm when I shook her hand. I know because I checked the apparatus on my wrist. I didn’t trust my instincts. I wanted to prove her wrong. I hurt myself to give her the best massage of her life. A massage she complained about. Her boyfriend (who was paying) threw salt in my wounds with his gratuity. I wanted to tell him to wipe his ass with his $10…. 1/2 the tip for only completing half the body! It wasn’t even 20%.

My body hurts! I can not even hug my family. You bitch, I gave to you something that I can never regain, something that you were unworthy of. You expected the results of a 2 hour massage in 50 minutes. I have never backed down from a challenge, I have tried to face my fears. Today you beat me. The change you brought was painful. The hugs and “high -fives” you made me missed are unforgivable. Their cost much more than your $10 tip can ever pay for. I will never give more than I was compensated for. You stopped me from helping people who needed and appreciated me. For this sin alone you owe them the karmic backlash. I forgive you. Your selfishness caused other’s pain, stopped people from relieving their pain. I pray my pain was worth it.

So that’s it. I tried to make someone happy and failed. I hurt myself in the process. I will never do that again.

We will have to wait and see…







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