I’m pretty tired

I think life is kinda entertaining and with all the spirals, loops, and turns… This week I have struggled with the ability of my hands and arms. I have watched many of my dreams crumble. I was blessed by my family unit stepping up, helping me do the things I physically couldn’t do. As a man with depression I could easily have witnessed the “ending of the Earth”. Instead I patiently stood and watched “my world crumble”. My “massage identity” crashed like a “falling star”. I listened to music and contemplated what would happen next, I felt that I was  “useless” and contained none of the qualities a man should have. My manhood was felt flushed down the drain with my ability to earn a living, my career. My career and “back up plan” spiraling out of my life as surely as my inability to clench my hands into a fist. My identity was being challenged yet again. I can’t even tell you how many times I went to bed crying. Unmanned. I can’t explain to you how many times a day I looked at my hands, unable to pull weeds, unable to shake hands, unable to hug the ones I love and I think, “I’d rather not live, this is no life”. I listened to the voices in my head, my wife’s and the physical therapist that manage to push me. I am reminded that this is not all that makes me me. I may build another garden. I may never perform a deep tissue massage without feeling the pain and numbness. I may never….. There are too many to list. My insurance adjuster asked me, “What else the injury affected?”  “Everything.” I replied. It has touched every part of me.

I decided to put my strength into those that stood around, beside and behind me.

This is my story, and my family pulled me out of a depression nightmare and suicidal moment by giving me back the things I loved when I needed them most, when I needed their help they helped me dream, create and be useful.

So this is our  story of surviving mental illness. I needed help so I asked. I couldn’t not pull weeds, or build a raised garden bed, I may not be able to physically do the work and this is where being a family and pulling together makes all the difference in the world. This new “corner salad box” won’t be perfect. However, the family affair makes it priceless.

Lili stained the wood…


The next day Tay wanted to cook dinner and dance! So we cooked, danced and laughed….

We made a Pinterest masterpiece.


It was a lot of fun to plan a meal, then cook it without leaving any of the responsibility to Sarina. At the same time it was wonderful to spend time in the kitchen together laughing and having fun. It was also a pleasant surprise to cook something that contained a key ingredient that at least one person in the family disliked. We made an Spinach, Artichoke Macaroni and Cheese, and Mexican stuffed peppers. Lili and Jon both dislike spinach and Lili HATES bell peppers. Both were instructed that they each had to eat one portion of each without complaints before they could decide they didn’t like it. Lili discovered she LOVED the Spinach, Artichoke Macaroni and Cheese. However, she loved what was in the stuffed bell peppers, just not the bell peppers themselves. Jon devoured both and asked for seconds.

After dinner we completed another new prototype corner garden box, It didn’t come out perfect. Nothing in real life ever does. We all played a part in it’s construction. This will also be a two tiered box. We are adding a trellis to assist in the vertical gardening concept that provides for maximum production with minimum space. The whole family was proud of their contribution.



The following day we added “landscape fabric” to the bottom.




I can’t explain to you how blessed I feel. We even have the perfect place for this box when it is complete. We also have plans on trying to plant veggies that are planted to late. We feel we are up for the challenge. Besides, when it is too easy, where is the message in that? This is our story of survival. So let’s not just survive, let’s win. We’ll do the impossible.


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