What does depression feel like?

“What does depression and anxiety feel like?” The way I want to answer remains blood on my tongue sour and sticky, the glue that seals my lips. I am not really good at this naturally but, I have had a lot of practice lately. No one really wants to hear what is going on in your mind. They say,”How are you?” What would they say if I answered honestly? “I contemplated slicing my wrists open just to see if the color of my blood was the same as yours.” “I was contemplating  answering the question, “Does God care? I was really thinking about meeting him.” “I didn’t want to leave my kids, wife and parents feeling bad so I decided I’d go to sleep instead of going to sleep forever.” COME ON! What is it like to be depressed? Imagine feeling that no matter how hard you try you will never be good enough. Nothing that you can do will ever ever be enough to make you feel valuable. you are forever lacking. You are the person no one wanted, no one would have chosen. You take rejection personally on a level no one can ever understand, you cry when you finally have the strength and those closest to you don’t comprehend the pain you feel, the scars and wounds you have inflicted upon yourself. You know in your deepest soul that you deserve this heartache because you have ruined EVERYTHING. That’s how I feel, Sarina commented that it was a good week, I only crashed and burned on the 3rd day. She wasn’t wrong, How many days did I go to sleep well before my bedtime in a self medicated induced coma? How many times did I awaken every morning covered in sweat and with not a pillow or sheet on the bed? Waking up and wondering what the hell is wrong with me? This it what it takes some days, sleep is better than the emotional explosion that is brewing. I did what I had to to survive. Eventually we all get tired of the shit we have to put up with and live through. My mom took me to lunch the other morning, begging me to keep this blog going, it “reaches people” she said, “It helps”. I wanted to retort, I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream, I wanted to give it all up. For just one happy day with my wife, for one day feeling that I was normal.

We played this song by Blue October because she is always been my balance beam

I always felt like this man had the strength to admit his mental illness, he gave me so much strength.

It was Tay’s first concert, albums that Jon and I cried and screamed at as it rang so loud in our apartment…

Tonight Blue October once again spoke to my soul…

“Break Ground”

Pain comes, lonely, weekend, shoulder, been here before.
Locked up, stepped on, so prominent, so loud, I can’t belong.
Only by my so wide-eyed other side I can’t belong.
Rain comes, priceless, do whatever works best, been here before.If I could be good enough, then I would be blown away.
And I could be their everyone, and I could be there everyday.
If I could be good enough, then I could just glow.If I could let go, then I could change the world, but I can’t stop always tearing myself down.
I can be good enough. Yeah, I will break ground.

I focus on the dawn, man, ’cause something doesn’t feel right.
I feel it in my bones like God is throwing stones. Yeah, I’m gonna find the light.
And the weight of what you’re going through is bigger than your will to change.
You have to start somewhere; despair won’t wear wherever again.

If I could be good enough, then I would be blown away.
And I could be their everyone, and I could be there everyday.
If I could be good enough, then I could just glow.

If I could let go, then I could change the world, but I can’t stop always tearing myself down.
I can be good enough. Yeah, I will break ground.

Proud. Calm. Loud. Strong. Heart. Soul. I let go.

If I could let go, then I could change the world, but I can’t stop always tearing myself down.
I can be good enough. Yeah, I will break ground, but I can’t stop always tearing myself down.
I can be good enough. Yeah, I will break ground. Yeah, I will break ground.
I can be good enough. Yeah, I will break ground.

It’s crazy that this is the band that I’ve attached my soul to. Blood sweat and tears, have been found on this man’s pain. I hate that this is my life, He helped me through all his pain because he was strong enough to admit his pain…

Our pain. Home

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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