I think there are many things that roll in the the summer, many things become unbearable in the heat and we often ponder the thought collection of “What am I doing here?” There’s no logical reason that anyone would chose to live in the desert. We watch our whole lives burn in the summer and things all die, nothing likes to be beneath the sun when it blazes the inferno. You can never get cool enough. The hose can burn your child, skin and showers can scold the flesh from your bones.I am told that there once was tons of water in the desert and there is an oasis of water beneath the surface, however, could this really be true? Or is this more like fabled gold at the end of a rainbow? Can I just hang out with plants and try to help them grow? Is it too much to try and make people smile? I can’t help to smile, as I look back on the last few months, so many rollercoaster rides, too many bouts of depression and so few blissful moments. I ponder how I wasn’t assassinated in my bed, awoken to find where I would spend eternity. I would then be able to answer the lifelong question of which religion was right. Alas, I am alive and well for the most part. While my mother would say, “By the Grace of God”. In this instance I have to respectfully disagree, while God is omniscient, Sarina is not, and had I been in her shoes I would have probably not been as humane as to murder someone in their sleep. Luckily she has the ability to both ignore me when I am spiraling and forgive me for my sudden bursts of insanity. She is not the only one who has helped me through my downward spiral. I am grateful for all those who have read, dealt with and stuck with me through the last few months when I have journeyed through Jon’s Inferno. (I’ve promised myself that this post will be uplifting and insightful, so if it finds itself in the trash you’ll know why.)
I’m sorry this is both happy and sad. I am proud of everyone of you and I can only do what I can do.
- I was hurt at work doing what I loved. It was horrible, 1 week before I was able to make a fist, 1 week of Hell, so far to go. Breathe, concentrate, keep going, one foot in front of the next, even an invalid has purpose. What was mine? I believed, I deserved the pain I felt, I deserved this, I was listening to the wrong people.
- I couldn’t do what I loved, I was unable to garden or massage. The pain was excruciating, I was tired, drugged and more moody than ever. The paint can seemed like a sign…
- After 6 weeks of Physical Therapy and Drugs I showed no improvement
- I lost my mind, I was pretty sure I would never do anything I loved ever again.
- My Son reminded me we could win this too. I might never throw a football, we just needed a different way to have fun and we were were winners, I just needed to not be “booty tickled”
- I realized I could lose everything, my daughter Tay and I became closer, dealing with many past and present issues. She reminded me of what I had, how much I’d grown, “don’t throw it all away.” She said, “You’re the one who never gave up on me, the one who was always there, the one I knew I could always count on.” I wanted to give up, scream and cry, I did…. I knew she was right I had to find a way back. A way back to being me.
- I saw a specialist. He changed my physical therapy and I saw improvement. He also told me I’d have to change the way I massaged forever.
- I sat in the heat, watched Lili play in the water, talked with my son, we started to fix things. I realized that I put him in an impossible situation. I’m going to work on that. He, Lili and Sarina never backed away from me. I’d find some way to make them proud. I’d not shy away from those that hung on to me. Jon asked me to , “be the dad” I’m working on it.
- This is me, I’m still trying to be someone all of my kids can be proud of
- Sarina reminded me today, 2 down, 3 to go. I’m not done yet. Repair, rebuild, remake.
- I Love all of my kids, I am proud of them all, I still have a long way to go, but I will never give up, not ever. Biological or not, I love you all.